My Mom is so much better, health wise, but much worse mentally. She seems to have regressed back to an earlier time in her life when she was an alcoholic and her mind set was to be sneaky about everything she did, like, I never saw her drink anything.. never even seen a glass. She also uses manipulative techniques she learned in her life time in order to control her life situations, her survival, depended on it.
Every Tuesday, I take my Mom to have her lab work done. We were on our way home and she asked me if I would take her to the Dollar Store. My Mom has been doing very well physically. She doesn't even use oxygen during the day anymore. No more taking an oxygen tank on wheels everywhere she goes. No tubes. She didn't like having to haul it around. She has been able to walk for over a month now with out her walker or wheel chair. So, it seemed like a good idea. I thought it would be great exercise and wonderful for her to get away from the television. But, the whole idea blew up in my face..
rounds and she came to a stop in the isle where all the check outs are. I kept my distance to give her freedom to do her own thing. I noticed people crowding in the isle both behind and in front of her and looked to see what was going on. My Mom and her cart were turned in the opposite direction of the check out line. People being thoughtful of an older woman didn't quite know if she was in line or not and as a result hung back to give her room to move into line. The people behind her were sour faced and getting impatient waiting to pass her so they could continue to shop. Everyone was waiting for her to move. So, I approached her and asked her if she was finished shopping and ready to check out. She said, "Yes". I said, "Okay. Well, lets get you into line." I grabbed the front of the shopping cart to guide it into position and when I did, my mom decided to hold on and not move. The result was her stumbling forward and staggering loosing her balance. I said, "Mom, let go!" I stopped moving the cart. She let go of one hand and moved forward toward the cart regaining her balance. I asked her to let go of the basket and stand for a minute until the cart was in line. She said she needed it and didn't want to get into line. I gestured with my hand, showing her the people she was blocking and that she needed to be out of the way. She let go of the cart and I moved it into place. I stared at my Mom who was hunched over like she was about to fall. People around her were hurrying over to her to lend a helping hand. I stared in wonder as to what was going on.
I observed my Mom, looking to see if she was in immediate need of medical attention. I continued to watch her. People were unsure themselves and they continued to hover asking if she needed help. I withdrew, giving her independence and watching. She paid for her items and started to walk with the shopping cart toward my truck that was in the parking lot across the street. My truck was parked too far in my judgment for a woman who was not able to walk. I asked my Mom if she needed me to bring my truck around to pick her up at the exit while she waited. She said, "No, I'm fine." I said, "You don't look fine. Do you need to go to the hospital?" She said, "No, I'm fine." We walked to the truck, my Mom holding on tight to the shopping cart. She got to my truck and started to push the shopping cart between my truck and the car parked next to me. I asked her to stop, telling her that she won't be able to open the door to my truck because the cart was going to be in the way. I needed her to back up. She wouldn't let go or move. I told her to hold on to the truck and I went around my truck and to the front of the cart. I lifted the cart over the curb and into the bushes that were in front of my truck. She opened the door and got into the truck. I did too. I said that I can see she is having a lot of trouble and that I wanted to take her to the hospital to be checked. She yelled, "I'm not going to the hospital, I'm FINE!" I said,"You can't walk or balance with out help. You need to be checked." She opened the door and got out yelling that she would not go. She walked from my truck to the nearest shopping cart, walked across the street to the store and went inside. I sat in my truck and watched her. She came out a few minutes later and walked to my truck, with the shopping cart, to my side of the window and told me that she had called a taxi to pick her up and take her home. She walked back to the store front and waited. I called my sister who was right in the middle of a chemo treatment and apologized for calling but I didn't know what to do. We discussed what had happened and concluded that I should just wait and watch. I did. She stood about 15 minutes in front of the store holding on to that shopping cart. Another 5 minutes passed and she walked with the shopping cart across the street to my truck where I was sitting and said that she was tired of waiting and would I take her home. I agreed and she left the shopping cart on the curb, walked around to the other side of the truck and got in with no problems. We got home and my Mom didn't speak to me for over two weeks.
I feel that this event was due to my interfering with her ability to get into line. I should have let my Mom deal with this situation on her own. Unless she asked me to help her.
Since this experience, I have let my Mom check in at the wrong Dr.s sign-in sheet, having to wait over a hour to be seen. She happily became aware, and went over to the desk and straightened it out. Everyone looked at me, as I just sat there.
I only help when asked now.
I re-wash the dishes she is content to wash and put away.
My Mom sweeps and cleans her cat box and I clean what she can't or doesn't.
She bathes on her own. She will need help soon.
Mom does her small amount of laundry and folds it. I do the bedding.
She makes her own meal once a day. She refuses to eat more than that.
She watches TV and her shows 24/7.
My Mom is in total control of how she lives. And....
in total control of how I live.
I don't paint anymore.
I can't think or relax with Jerry Springer yelling, "Your NOT the Father!" I can't escape from the constant noise. I have retreated to my room where I wear headphones, listening to anything that can relax me or block out what I don't want to hear. What I want is total quiet like at my ranch.. only sounds are animals or weather.
I don't blog... I can't gather my thoughts anymore.. all that is in my head is confusion and distress.
I read as many books as I can. I search for information on what ever I think about on line.
I need a break. I want to go home to my daughter and animals.
My Mom will never be happy there. But will go for a couple of days.
So, I have to make up my mind to take the time today to blog.. get out what is in my head..
If I could do this more often...
it might help my mood..
