My Mom, 84 years young
Friday, December 30, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
CHRISTMAS 2011
Christmas was crazy this year.
I had a flare up involving my shoulder and was unable to use my arm at all, so plans were changed and I didn't end up spending Christmas with daughter and granddaughter at the ranch.
My Mom and I went to my sisters for the day. Mom's blood pressure was elevated and she started to display symptoms.. droopy eye and wobbly when walking. We thought that we were going to have to take her to emergency, but she got better. Blood pressure came down and her eye got better.
It was a quiet day watching John Wayne movies on the tube.
I listened to my granddaughter opening her presents on the phone. I could see her as if I was there. I THANK GOD for technology!! My son-in-law sent pictures via e-mail for me to enjoy.
I did receive a call from my daughter-in-law, and talked to my granddaughters in Virginia. That was really nice.. to hear their voices. They are getting older and I've missed so much of their growing up.
My other kids, are still to injured emotionally to call. I pray that they will heal and know how very much I love them.
My Mom had her own feelings going on that she didn't really talk about.. but I'm sure that's why her blood pressure was high. I know, she misses my dad. We all do.. At least mom got out of bed, showered and went to my sisters for the day.
You know, everything happens for a reason.. and maybe a quiet Christmas was all she could handle.
It felt like every other day to me.. They all seem to run into the next.
I'm still in limbo....
I had a flare up involving my shoulder and was unable to use my arm at all, so plans were changed and I didn't end up spending Christmas with daughter and granddaughter at the ranch.
My Mom and I went to my sisters for the day. Mom's blood pressure was elevated and she started to display symptoms.. droopy eye and wobbly when walking. We thought that we were going to have to take her to emergency, but she got better. Blood pressure came down and her eye got better.
It was a quiet day watching John Wayne movies on the tube.
I listened to my granddaughter opening her presents on the phone. I could see her as if I was there. I THANK GOD for technology!! My son-in-law sent pictures via e-mail for me to enjoy.I did receive a call from my daughter-in-law, and talked to my granddaughters in Virginia. That was really nice.. to hear their voices. They are getting older and I've missed so much of their growing up.
My other kids, are still to injured emotionally to call. I pray that they will heal and know how very much I love them.
My Mom had her own feelings going on that she didn't really talk about.. but I'm sure that's why her blood pressure was high. I know, she misses my dad. We all do.. At least mom got out of bed, showered and went to my sisters for the day.
You know, everything happens for a reason.. and maybe a quiet Christmas was all she could handle.
It felt like every other day to me.. They all seem to run into the next.
I'm still in limbo....
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Depression or Homesick???
I know it's been a long time since my last blog...
My Mom is so much better, health wise, but much worse mentally. She seems to have regressed back to an earlier time in her life when she was an alcoholic and her mind set was to be sneaky about everything she did, like, I never saw her drink anything.. never even seen a glass. She also uses manipulative techniques she learned in her life time in order to control her life situations, her survival, depended on it.
Every Tuesday, I take my Mom to have her lab work done. We were on our way home and she asked me if I would take her to the Dollar Store. My Mom has been doing very well physically. She doesn't even use oxygen during the day anymore. No more taking an oxygen tank on wheels everywhere she goes. No tubes. She didn't like having to haul it around. She has been able to walk for over a month now with out her walker or wheel chair. So, it seemed like a good idea. I thought it would be great exercise and wonderful for her to get away from the television. But, the whole idea blew up in my face..
She was pushing the shopping cart making her
rounds and she came to a stop in the isle where all the check outs are. I kept my distance to give her freedom to do her own thing. I noticed people crowding in the isle both behind and in front of her and looked to see what was going on. My Mom and her cart were turned in the opposite direction of the check out line. People being thoughtful of an older woman didn't quite know if she was in line or not and as a result hung back to give her room to move into line. The people behind her were sour faced and getting impatient waiting to pass her so they could continue to shop. Everyone was waiting for her to move. So, I approached her and asked her if she was finished shopping and ready to check out. She said, "Yes". I said, "Okay. Well, lets get you into line." I grabbed the front of the shopping cart to guide it into position and when I did, my mom decided to hold on and not move. The result was her stumbling forward and staggering loosing her balance. I said, "Mom, let go!" I stopped moving the cart. She let go of one hand and moved forward toward the cart regaining her balance. I asked her to let go of the basket and stand for a minute until the cart was in line. She said she needed it and didn't want to get into line. I gestured with my hand, showing her the people she was blocking and that she needed to be out of the way. She let go of the cart and I moved it into place. I stared at my Mom who was hunched over like she was about to fall. People around her were hurrying over to her to lend a helping hand. I stared in wonder as to what was going on.
I observed my Mom, looking to see if she was in immediate need of medical attention. I continued to watch her. People were unsure themselves and they continued to hover asking if she needed help. I withdrew, giving her independence and watching. She paid for her items and started to walk with the shopping cart toward my truck that was in the parking lot across the street. My truck was parked too far in my judgment for a woman who was not able to walk. I asked my Mom if she needed me to bring my truck around to pick her up at the exit while she waited. She said, "No, I'm fine." I said, "You don't look fine. Do you need to go to the hospital?" She said, "No, I'm fine." We walked to the truck, my Mom holding on tight to the shopping cart. She got to my truck and started to push the shopping cart between my truck and the car parked next to me. I asked her to stop, telling her that she won't be able to open the door to my truck because the cart was going to be in the way. I needed her to back up. She wouldn't let go or move. I told her to hold on to the truck and I went around my truck and to the front of the cart. I lifted the cart over the curb and into the bushes that were in front of my truck. She opened the door and got into the truck. I did too. I said that I can see she is having a lot of trouble and that I wanted to take her to the hospital to be checked. She yelled, "I'm not going to the hospital, I'm FINE!" I said,"You can't walk or balance with out help. You need to be checked." She opened the door and got out yelling that she would not go. She walked from my truck to the nearest shopping cart, walked across the street to the store and went inside. I sat in my truck and watched her. She came out a few minutes later and walked to my truck, with the shopping cart, to my side of the window and told me that she had called a taxi to pick her up and take her home. She walked back to the store front and waited. I called my sister who was right in the middle of a chemo treatment and apologized for calling but I didn't know what to do. We discussed what had happened and concluded that I should just wait and watch. I did. She stood about 15 minutes in front of the store holding on to that shopping cart. Another 5 minutes passed and she walked with the shopping cart across the street to my truck where I was sitting and said that she was tired of waiting and would I take her home. I agreed and she left the shopping cart on the curb, walked around to the other side of the truck and got in with no problems. We got home and my Mom didn't speak to me for over two weeks.
I feel that this event was due to my interfering with her ability to get into line. I should have let my Mom deal with this situation on her own. Unless she asked me to help her.
Since this experience, I have let my Mom check in at the wrong Dr.s sign-in sheet, having to wait over a hour to be seen. She happily became aware, and went over to the desk and straightened it out. Everyone looked at me, as I just sat there.
I only help when asked now.
I re-wash the dishes she is content to wash and put away.
My Mom sweeps and cleans her cat box and I clean what she can't or doesn't.
She bathes on her own. She will need help soon.
Mom does her small amount of laundry and folds it. I do the bedding.
She makes her own meal once a day. She refuses to eat more than that.
She watches TV and her shows 24/7.
My Mom is in total control of how she lives. And....
in total control of how I live.
I don't paint anymore.
I can't think or relax with Jerry Springer yelling, "Your NOT the Father!" I can't escape from the constant noise. I have retreated to my room where I wear headphones, listening to anything that can relax me or block out what I don't want to hear. What I want is total quiet like at my ranch.. only sounds are animals or weather.
I don't blog... I can't gather my thoughts anymore.. all that is in my head is confusion and distress.
I read as many books as I can. I search for information on what ever I think about on line.
I need a break. I want to go home to my daughter and animals.
My Mom will never be happy there. But will go for a couple of days.
So, I have to make up my mind to take the time today to blog.. get out what is in my head..
If I could do this more often...
it might help my mood..
My Mom is so much better, health wise, but much worse mentally. She seems to have regressed back to an earlier time in her life when she was an alcoholic and her mind set was to be sneaky about everything she did, like, I never saw her drink anything.. never even seen a glass. She also uses manipulative techniques she learned in her life time in order to control her life situations, her survival, depended on it.
Every Tuesday, I take my Mom to have her lab work done. We were on our way home and she asked me if I would take her to the Dollar Store. My Mom has been doing very well physically. She doesn't even use oxygen during the day anymore. No more taking an oxygen tank on wheels everywhere she goes. No tubes. She didn't like having to haul it around. She has been able to walk for over a month now with out her walker or wheel chair. So, it seemed like a good idea. I thought it would be great exercise and wonderful for her to get away from the television. But, the whole idea blew up in my face..
rounds and she came to a stop in the isle where all the check outs are. I kept my distance to give her freedom to do her own thing. I noticed people crowding in the isle both behind and in front of her and looked to see what was going on. My Mom and her cart were turned in the opposite direction of the check out line. People being thoughtful of an older woman didn't quite know if she was in line or not and as a result hung back to give her room to move into line. The people behind her were sour faced and getting impatient waiting to pass her so they could continue to shop. Everyone was waiting for her to move. So, I approached her and asked her if she was finished shopping and ready to check out. She said, "Yes". I said, "Okay. Well, lets get you into line." I grabbed the front of the shopping cart to guide it into position and when I did, my mom decided to hold on and not move. The result was her stumbling forward and staggering loosing her balance. I said, "Mom, let go!" I stopped moving the cart. She let go of one hand and moved forward toward the cart regaining her balance. I asked her to let go of the basket and stand for a minute until the cart was in line. She said she needed it and didn't want to get into line. I gestured with my hand, showing her the people she was blocking and that she needed to be out of the way. She let go of the cart and I moved it into place. I stared at my Mom who was hunched over like she was about to fall. People around her were hurrying over to her to lend a helping hand. I stared in wonder as to what was going on.
I observed my Mom, looking to see if she was in immediate need of medical attention. I continued to watch her. People were unsure themselves and they continued to hover asking if she needed help. I withdrew, giving her independence and watching. She paid for her items and started to walk with the shopping cart toward my truck that was in the parking lot across the street. My truck was parked too far in my judgment for a woman who was not able to walk. I asked my Mom if she needed me to bring my truck around to pick her up at the exit while she waited. She said, "No, I'm fine." I said, "You don't look fine. Do you need to go to the hospital?" She said, "No, I'm fine." We walked to the truck, my Mom holding on tight to the shopping cart. She got to my truck and started to push the shopping cart between my truck and the car parked next to me. I asked her to stop, telling her that she won't be able to open the door to my truck because the cart was going to be in the way. I needed her to back up. She wouldn't let go or move. I told her to hold on to the truck and I went around my truck and to the front of the cart. I lifted the cart over the curb and into the bushes that were in front of my truck. She opened the door and got into the truck. I did too. I said that I can see she is having a lot of trouble and that I wanted to take her to the hospital to be checked. She yelled, "I'm not going to the hospital, I'm FINE!" I said,"You can't walk or balance with out help. You need to be checked." She opened the door and got out yelling that she would not go. She walked from my truck to the nearest shopping cart, walked across the street to the store and went inside. I sat in my truck and watched her. She came out a few minutes later and walked to my truck, with the shopping cart, to my side of the window and told me that she had called a taxi to pick her up and take her home. She walked back to the store front and waited. I called my sister who was right in the middle of a chemo treatment and apologized for calling but I didn't know what to do. We discussed what had happened and concluded that I should just wait and watch. I did. She stood about 15 minutes in front of the store holding on to that shopping cart. Another 5 minutes passed and she walked with the shopping cart across the street to my truck where I was sitting and said that she was tired of waiting and would I take her home. I agreed and she left the shopping cart on the curb, walked around to the other side of the truck and got in with no problems. We got home and my Mom didn't speak to me for over two weeks.
I feel that this event was due to my interfering with her ability to get into line. I should have let my Mom deal with this situation on her own. Unless she asked me to help her.
Since this experience, I have let my Mom check in at the wrong Dr.s sign-in sheet, having to wait over a hour to be seen. She happily became aware, and went over to the desk and straightened it out. Everyone looked at me, as I just sat there.
I only help when asked now.
I re-wash the dishes she is content to wash and put away.
My Mom sweeps and cleans her cat box and I clean what she can't or doesn't.
She bathes on her own. She will need help soon.
Mom does her small amount of laundry and folds it. I do the bedding.
She makes her own meal once a day. She refuses to eat more than that.
She watches TV and her shows 24/7.
My Mom is in total control of how she lives. And....
in total control of how I live.
I don't paint anymore.
I can't think or relax with Jerry Springer yelling, "Your NOT the Father!" I can't escape from the constant noise. I have retreated to my room where I wear headphones, listening to anything that can relax me or block out what I don't want to hear. What I want is total quiet like at my ranch.. only sounds are animals or weather.
I don't blog... I can't gather my thoughts anymore.. all that is in my head is confusion and distress.
I read as many books as I can. I search for information on what ever I think about on line.
I need a break. I want to go home to my daughter and animals.
My Mom will never be happy there. But will go for a couple of days.
So, I have to make up my mind to take the time today to blog.. get out what is in my head..
If I could do this more often...
it might help my mood..
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Just Thinking
Okay, so when I came here, to my Mom's house, I figured I'd be here a week.
Three months later, I'm running out of clothes.
I brought 1 set of sleeping cloths, long pants and a few shirts. Under clothes and only one bra..
I've been to thrift stores and I picked up, 2 pairs of Capri's and 3 shirts.
Payless shoes had some flip flops and a pair of little boat shoes.
Since I've been back in my hometown, I've been in contact with my high school friend who brought me 3 shopping bags of cloths..
PRAISE THE LORD!
I've also had to pick up hair products and grooming supplies..
I've been looking pretty un-kept as my only focus has been my mom and her care. Now that she is at home, I've had a to chance to take some time for me.
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Spending my days, reading or painting.
Now that the weather is better, I have been outside working with Mom's flowers. I really enjoy that.
I'm homesick and miss my ranch, my animals.. but my daughter is doing well taking care of the home front. That makes me able to relax and let go of the things I can't change.
I'm glad I have my cat Dolby and the puppies with me..
They are good company.
Three months later, I'm running out of clothes.
I brought 1 set of sleeping cloths, long pants and a few shirts. Under clothes and only one bra..
I've been to thrift stores and I picked up, 2 pairs of Capri's and 3 shirts.
Payless shoes had some flip flops and a pair of little boat shoes.
Since I've been back in my hometown, I've been in contact with my high school friend who brought me 3 shopping bags of cloths..
PRAISE THE LORD!
I've also had to pick up hair products and grooming supplies..
I've been looking pretty un-kept as my only focus has been my mom and her care. Now that she is at home, I've had a to chance to take some time for me.
Now that the weather is better, I have been outside working with Mom's flowers. I really enjoy that.
I'm homesick and miss my ranch, my animals.. but my daughter is doing well taking care of the home front. That makes me able to relax and let go of the things I can't change.
I'm glad I have my cat Dolby and the puppies with me..
They are good company.
Friday, June 10, 2011
June Already?
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Where has time gone? The days are turning into weeks, the weeks into months...
The last two months have been filled with my Mom being admitted into the hospital. She developed pneumonia and as a result it directly contributed to an abnormal heart rhythm that will never go away. She is on oxygen 24/7 and uses a walker now that she never used before. I've seen her go from an independent woman to on who is frail and in danger when she is alone. Although this is not something I would have wanted to experience.. I'm blessed to be right here with her going though this together.
She is my Mom..
My days have been filled with reading books. Seems I have stuck with one Author.. I like many others, but she is familiar. Seems I need familiar, so, I'm sticking with the need.
I have also spent time on the computer, endlessly looking up arbitrary things to amuse myself.. pass the time...
My Sister brought me some acrylic paints, brushes and paper for me to paint. I've painted several paintings and looking forward to many more. It's very relaxing...
I'm not into television.. movies once in a while.
I also picked up some earpieces for my phone so I can listen to some radio programs that will encourage me and keep my spiritual growth filled as well as my strength leaning on Jesus.. my FAITH.
I'm looking forward to days spent outside in the SONshine working in the garden with the flowers while my Mom dozes in the fresh air.
I'm also looking forward to spending time with my Granddaughter Abigail...
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mothers Day
Well, it's Mothers Day..
This is a hard day for me to get through. I gave birth to four beautiful babies.. 2 sons of which I don't have contact with. My daughter, who is struggling and is the bravest young woman I know. She has been robbed of her innocence but living her life. Trust is an issue and won't let anyone too close.
I THANK GOD ABOVE, for my youngest daughter who's love is the only thing that makes life bearable for me..
I Loved each of them with all my heart. No, it wasn't perfect. We had our ups and downs.. but
I never knew about what was going on in a secret world that my husband had.
I can't go back and change anything.. though I wish I could.
I can't take their pain away, though I wish I could.
I'm helpless and that is not where a Mother will ever "Choose" to be.
Mom's want to make everything alright.. better.
I can't.
I have to sit back and wait.. watch.
I know what my Children have gone through is what is responsible for this situation.
It's not their fault.
Never..
they are innocent.
and they don't see, don't understand.. that I am too.
I would have, could have, changed it all...
if I ever had the chance.
My NOT knowing..
isn't their fault either..
of coarse he knew they wouldn't tell.
Children will never tell..
Only ONE is responsible for this
This is my prayer on this "Mothers Day."
LORD JESUS,
I love YOU.
I know your my loving Father who watches over my life.
I know that you protect me and guide me
because I seek you.
I know and have faith that you can use all of these past events and have them glorify your name.
Bad things can have a purpose.
I know that my children know you.
They have been in your house many times listening to your words preached to them.
Your word NEVER comes back void.
I pray and ask LORD,
that you touch those seeds that were planted in their souls.
Water those seeds through others that know you.
A passing Road Sign directing them toward you.
Books, words or even a television show.
Anything what might spark and awaken this waiting seed.
May this be the beginning of YOUR AWESOME healing power in my children's lives.
That they become close to you to know what a TRUE LOVING FATHER really is...
I ask this in the NAME OF JESUS CHRIST..
amen.
This is a hard day for me to get through. I gave birth to four beautiful babies.. 2 sons of which I don't have contact with. My daughter, who is struggling and is the bravest young woman I know. She has been robbed of her innocence but living her life. Trust is an issue and won't let anyone too close.
I THANK GOD ABOVE, for my youngest daughter who's love is the only thing that makes life bearable for me..
I Loved each of them with all my heart. No, it wasn't perfect. We had our ups and downs.. but
I can't go back and change anything.. though I wish I could.
I can't take their pain away, though I wish I could.
I'm helpless and that is not where a Mother will ever "Choose" to be.
Mom's want to make everything alright.. better.
I can't.
I have to sit back and wait.. watch.
I know what my Children have gone through is what is responsible for this situation.
It's not their fault.
Never..
they are innocent.
and they don't see, don't understand.. that I am too.
I would have, could have, changed it all...
if I ever had the chance.
My NOT knowing..
isn't their fault either..
of coarse he knew they wouldn't tell.
Children will never tell..
Only ONE is responsible for this
This is my prayer on this "Mothers Day."
LORD JESUS,
I love YOU.
I know your my loving Father who watches over my life.
I know that you protect me and guide me
because I seek you.
I know and have faith that you can use all of these past events and have them glorify your name.
Bad things can have a purpose.
I know that my children know you.
They have been in your house many times listening to your words preached to them.
Your word NEVER comes back void.
I pray and ask LORD,
that you touch those seeds that were planted in their souls.
Water those seeds through others that know you.
A passing Road Sign directing them toward you.
Books, words or even a television show.
Anything what might spark and awaken this waiting seed.
May this be the beginning of YOUR AWESOME healing power in my children's lives.
That they become close to you to know what a TRUE LOVING FATHER really is...
I ask this in the NAME OF JESUS CHRIST..
amen.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Fast Ball hits head on
Life just threw me for a loop.
My Sister has cancer. 3rd type in 2 years.
First she had lymphoma in her bowel, than breast cancer, and now this.
She had surgery 3 days ago and had a total hysterectomy.
Her cancer turned out to be ovarian.
Prior to this she was caring for our Mom who is 84.
Mom is pretty independent and still living on her own.
The day before my Sister's surgery, Mom passes out cold. Her blood sugar dropped to a dangerous level.
Mom ended up in the hospital.
Extremely nervous about my sister, Mom wasn't eating like she should. Mom has type 2 diabetes.
Long story short.
My Sister needs to heal and remain as stress free worrying about Mom.
I left home that night and stayed with my Mom for a week.
It took a lot of convincing, but Mom agreed to come back home with me for a week.
Trying to talk Mom into going back and forth between her house and mine so that we both can have our homes. I wanna try to meet in the middle.
I thought it was a go, but this morning Mom said that she was going to have a perfect stranger come and live with her because she wants to stay in her home and she doesn't want me to have to leave mine..
What do I do now???
Please leave any ideas for me in comments.
HELP!!!!
Mom and I live 3 hrs apart from one another. I also have a full-time job and need to support myself. I can take a 12 week family leave and hold my job open.
Mom knows all this and still wants me to stay put.. Mom thinks she can stay by herself. My Sister and I agree, No way.
My Sister has cancer. 3rd type in 2 years.
First she had lymphoma in her bowel, than breast cancer, and now this.
She had surgery 3 days ago and had a total hysterectomy.
Her cancer turned out to be ovarian.
Prior to this she was caring for our Mom who is 84.
Mom is pretty independent and still living on her own.
The day before my Sister's surgery, Mom passes out cold. Her blood sugar dropped to a dangerous level.
Mom ended up in the hospital.
Extremely nervous about my sister, Mom wasn't eating like she should. Mom has type 2 diabetes.
Long story short.
My Sister needs to heal and remain as stress free worrying about Mom.
I left home that night and stayed with my Mom for a week.
It took a lot of convincing, but Mom agreed to come back home with me for a week.
Trying to talk Mom into going back and forth between her house and mine so that we both can have our homes. I wanna try to meet in the middle.
I thought it was a go, but this morning Mom said that she was going to have a perfect stranger come and live with her because she wants to stay in her home and she doesn't want me to have to leave mine..
What do I do now???
Please leave any ideas for me in comments.
HELP!!!!
Mom and I live 3 hrs apart from one another. I also have a full-time job and need to support myself. I can take a 12 week family leave and hold my job open.
Mom knows all this and still wants me to stay put.. Mom thinks she can stay by herself. My Sister and I agree, No way.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
When Life Throws You a Curve... Continued
The betrayal and emotional manipulation.
I have so many thoughts, so many feelings that I need to get out of my head and heart.
I've been able to avoid this until now.
It's time to let them out and put them behind me and move forward.
To speak the unspoken...
To heal.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
When Life Throws You a Curve...
So what happens when life throws you a curve ball?
Do you realize, that the ball speeding toward you is about to smack you upside your head and step out of the way?
Do you grip the bat, close your eyes and swing.... and
Pray that the bat you hold in your hands will connect and hit the ball as faraway from you as possible?
Do you strike out?
Maybe you try and the ball still hits you anyway...
Thats what happened to me in the year of 2005.
Six Years later and my life is still in limbo....
As I look back on those years I realize that I was, am, living my life try to protect myself from getting hit again.
I make sure all I have time for is working, eating, sleeping. I'm in a state of LIMBO.. I'm not getting anywhere except passing time. I can't figure out if I'm using this LIMBO time as healing or morning the loss of the life I had. I dunno.....
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