The storm is raging outside! 
The wind is blowing the rain against the windows. 
I have been going though all my photos and I came across this picture of a summer-time flower! 
Bright and cheerful on a dreary day.
I bought a new phone on BLACK FRIDAY. 
BEST BUY, had awesome deals! 
It's been 2 years since my last upgrade and I am more than ready to have NEW features and a phone that WORKS!
Don't get me wrong, I loved my Samsung phone.. but the battery was going out and I had somehow scratched the lens on my camera so it wouldn't focus.. 
I fell in LOVE with the LG Inspire! 
It's square like a tablet. 
The 5" screen is awesome for all my viewing. 
Pictures look great, dial phone pad is huge! 
I just LOVE IT! 
I can't wait to take pictures with the 8mp camera..
I can personalize my phone with so many options, I can't even begin to remember all of them.
I've had my phone a week now and am finally feeling comfortable with having everything the way I want it. lol, yeah, I'm slow.. but I get there eventually.. 
My daughter and her husband both chose the Motorola Droid Maxx..
The phones were free with a 2 year contract.. so that worked out great for them. 
They really are enjoying their phones and I get to reap the benefits having all the video  
chats with my Granddaughters!
I was able to see my Granddaughters first steps.. LIVE!
Boy, you can't put a price on that!!! 
I know, most people have been video chatting for a while now.. but my old phone didn't have a front facing camera so it was impossible except on the computers.. now, all of us can move around, capturing all the action of daily living we miss living so faraway from one another.. it's WONDERFUL!
Thanksgiving was better this year.
The Holidays are NOT usually  my favorite time of  year.  
Being out of touch with 3 of my adult children. 
I usually slump into a depression and hope that the days pass quickly. 
But this year, I have 2 granddaughters that BRIGHTEN my days. 
I am letting my heart heal..  
Transforming hurt and longing for my absent children and grandchildren, into smothering the two granddaughters, I do have in my life, with LOVE and AFFECTION. 
Makes a big difference trying to break though the past and all it's ugliness. 

BUT....

My Thanksgiving prayers for healing were answered THIS BLACK FRIDAY, when there was a knock on my mom's door. 
It was my SON. 
He came to see my mom..
I welcomed him in and he was quick to seek out my mom.. he found her emerging from her room and he greeted her, wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving.
I stayed on the sidelines, holding my breath, so
afraid of saying or doing something that would end in disaster.
My youngest daughter and her husband were out shopping for their new phones and I was happily being a grandma spending time with my 2 granddaughters who now stared at the strange man in the dining room. 

I held my 11 month old granddaughter in my arms as I stood mesmerized by the GROWN MAN that stood before me.
Standing behind me my 2 year old granddaughter was holding on to my legs, peeking out shyly, up at the man that stood tall before us. 
I said, "Abi, this is your Uncle Jacob." 
I can't tell you how, just speaking his name, out loud, sent flutters in my stomach.
I think that was the defining moment when Jacob as well as I knew...... 
it was going to be okay. 

After about 5 min.. he asked my mom if she would like to see the baby? 
I held my breath.. 
My mom replied.. "YES, of coarse.. I would LOVE to see the baby!" 
He went out to his truck and returned not only with my Granddaughter, that I thought I'd never see or hold, but his wife whom I've never met. I've only seen her from afar. 
We all had a GREAT first visit after so many years.. 7 to be exact.. 
I got to see and kiss my new Granddaughter. 
Whom is BEAUTIFUL by the way.. 
She looks like my sister and my oldest daughter. tiny and petite. 
She is very alert and aware of all her surroundings.. 
I can't wait until we can meet again!
The LORD in HIS AWESOMENESS granted me my prayer request. 
As usual, HIS timing is not ours... 
HE knows all..
and PERFECT timing is when the outcome will mater the most. 
NOT just to those involved but also to those that witness the miracles of answered prayers.
  
BLACK FRIDAY, is not just the best deals of the year...
but rather the day JESUS died for our sins..
HE gave us all the BEST DEAL we can 
ever have..
I thought that my son and his family were lost to me forever.. 
I lost my faith that anything would ever change.. 
I GAVE up, it hurt too much to want. 
I'm so THANKFUL that the LORD is FAITHFUL and NEVER gives up on US..
THANK YOU JESUS!
I'm a HAPPY MOM, this BLACK FRIDAY after THANKSGIVING DAY!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I'm up early to start cooking, well, baking anyway. I'm going to attempt to bake zucchini bread.  Than I'm going to start the stuffing!

 My daughter (the baby, my youngest child) and family are heading down and we are all going to my sisters for the day. 

My oldest daughter is working so she is not going to be able to join us for dinner. I was hopping that she would be able to come for a while, a short visit before work.. but so far, no commitments on her end. Last year, my son-in-law and my grandson came for dinner.. that was a step toward healing..

 I pray that the same might happen this year. No pressure, just prayer. :) 

 No progress on my son's..

 I keep praying for them too! 

The Holidays are always a tough time for me to get through. It's some better with the birth of my granddaughters whom I get to be a part of. They rock my world and I love to spend time with them.

 I'm so THANKFUL for the JOY they bring!

 Children are a BLESSING!

I'm so THANKFUL that my sister is clear from cancer this year, and that we get to spend time together!

I'm THANKFUL for my Mom.. she is hanging in there and able to remain in her home the way she desires.. may all her dreams come true!

I'm THANKFUL for my baby girl, who is always there for me! I love her dearly!

Thank YOU LORD, for all my BLESSINGS!

I had a "Wonderful" time at the ART SHOW!  

NOT a lot of people buying, but it was good to have people out and enjoying all the arts and crafts. 

Receiving complements on certain paintings was illuminating and inspiring! I loved having people stand close and really SEE my paintings! It was awesome!

There were so very many talents, I was totally in awe..

I can't wait until next year to do it again!

A two day event is tiring.. but worth every moment spent.

My Mom did well.. she slept the day away. (which was expected) I'd rather see her mobile and able to fend for herself.. but she still has no interest in anything but sleeping and TV.

I think next year, I'll plan to have my daughter come and stay with her to help keep her company.

Off to PAINT!  :)

Getting ready for the ART show today.
Vallejo Open Studio's. 11-5 Saturday and Sunday!
http://vallejoopenstudios.com/ for more info.









My Sister is showing her paintings too!

It comes in THREE

My Dad always said, bad things happen in 3's.  I  know once the 3rd thing happens, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

This group of 3's started with me having one of my  migraines.. one that would NOT go away. No mater, what I did, what medicine I took or how much sleep I got.. it just stayed .( 3 days)  Then once it eased up.. it went to the other side of my head.. and started all over again. 

Thing # 2

While I was in misery, my 6 month old granddaughter became ill.. started out with a fever and loose stool.. turned into her having blood in her stool. Not just a little, but a lot!  I laid in my bed tossing and turning covering my eyes with a wet cloth and bags of ice waiting for the phone to ring with news of my granddaughter. I wanted my daughter to pack up and head for the bay area where there are better hospitals just for infants.. but they stuck it out. It took 4 hours for them to be seen but at least they confirmed that there was no internal bleeding. They concluded that it is a virus that is at the end of it's run and that she will be fine. She is still not back to normal and I'm thinking that if she continues not to improve over the next few days, more needs to be done to find out what the problem is.

The next thing to happen, Thing # 3, was this morning when my son-in-law called and said that my daughter was in bed with a migraine.. WELL, Yeah!
I'm surprised that if it's a virus, no one in the family has become ill right along with the baby.. which makes me worry about what the problem really is.
Sooo, I'm holding on to after the 3rd bad thing happens.. there will be NO more.
Finally today, my head is better. I can "Think".. well, at least more than before.
I'm still quite concerned that my granddaughter is not much better. NO blood, but still very loose bowel.
At least with out my migraine, I can read and keep myself busy to pass the time and not worry so much.
It's like waiting for a pot of water to boil, when you watch it, it takes forever...

Over the last few months

Wow, time really does fly-by..
It's been months since I last wrote. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
I think my life has been very busy, which is the good part. The downside is that I also haven't had anytime for myself.
Lots has happened over these absent months. The birth of a new Granddaughter, Riley Lynn, whom I pray that I will meet someday.
My Mom has had a pacemaker installed.. she truly has a bionic heart!
My brothers family came for a visit, which was wonderful! I got to visit with his children and wife. Time does fly-by too quickly.
My laptop quit on me.. still not sure what is wrong. One place said the motherboard, another said dust heating up the unit. All I know is it's not working.
I bought a Samsung Tablet.. I love it, but it's not the same as a laptop.. so, I CHARGED a laptop and I'm back on line.. Yahoo! Guess that's what prompted me to update my blog.
My youngest daughter has been having migraines. She came and stayed with me for about 3 weeks so that I can help her while she weaned the baby. It worked. I love spending time with my granddaughters. They are the light of my life. Every moment is a blessing.
I long to have a relationship with my other grandchildren and pray that someday there will be a healing with my children so that we can ALL be together again, better than before.
Until than, I wait.
I'm spending more time painting. I've sold one of my paintings so far. I have showings lined up for the next few months and some leads on galleries in the area. I'm hoping that I can at least pay for my oils and canvas. I'm also interested in photography to help develop my eye. The flower posted is one of my pictures I took in my sisters yard. I post on google+ and enjoy seeing all of the inspiring photos and posts from around the world.
I haven't had any really bad flare ups.. just ones that keep me down for a day or two. Pain daily, but that's normal. I'm continuing to eat organic and healthy. Drink green tea a lot. I know this helps to keep my fibro under control. I can tell if I stray, my pain level peaks, and will increase my joint pain. Mostly in my arms, elbows, wrists and fingers. If I go longer than one day, it will increase my all over pain level. So, I don't do that often.
I am working on an exercise program now that my mom is more stable with her pacemaker. I can go for walks and not stress about her. it's good to get out and away.
Walking has always been very difficult with fibro, but I'm determined to go slow and enjoy getting out into the fresh air. I'm going to make it work.
Well, that's it for the update..

We just never know

 This is one of my Mom's favorite cactus plants in her yard..  The color is incredible! 

This weekend, my mom's pulse rate dropped blow 40. She was in the kitchen when it happened and yelled out.. "I don't feel good!" I got her back to bed.  First check is her blood sugar. It was okay.. next her BP. The machine wasn't working. I was grabbing a bucket and trying to change the batteries at the same time. Finally got the machine working. I think what happened was her BP was too low for the machine to work. It worked on me.. than after a while, it worked on her. Her bp was 110/60  but her heart rate was only 40. I gave her nausea medicine and monitored her heart rate. Called my sister who is an RN.  My mom was hungry (good sign) so she ate toast and a bowl of my chicken soup. She slept most of the day and I continued to watch her close. 

I called her Doctor this morning and they said that they will let the doctor know. If she had breathing problems or the nausea lasted longer to take her to ER..   

So, now I wait. Wait to see what happens.

This is the hard part about this whole situation. 

My Mom is 85..  it always occurs to me that this might be it.

This might be the last moments. 

I feel so helpless..

 I know it's coming and there is not one thing I can do to prevent it.   I try to push thoughts out of my mind.. and take one step at a time. I've dealt with loss before.. my dad. 

But this, this is my mom.  

The woman who gave her whole life to her family. 

Over my life time, my heart has been broken.. chewed up and spit out! I don't know how much one heart can take.

I know life is full of those knee jerking moments, I'm not the only one and I know there is always someone who is worse off. 

I am thankful for having my Mom all the years I have.. it's just, not easy to let go.

Time

 Finished another painting. I'm really enjoying oils! It's been fun. I find it both a challenge and gratifying to spend time using my creative self! It sure helps to relax me. Keeps my mind busy at the same time. 

Time is something that goes so slowly.. when it comes to waiting.. but yet goes so fast when it comes to the reality of years that have passed by over time.  

Being in "LIMBO" has gotten easier to cope with.. having painting to set my mind on.

With the exception of how expensive this can be..  I wish I had started sooner with oils. I've been painting for over 3 years now.. but with acrylics and what ever brushes I could find cheap.  I think this was the next step in developing my love of the art!

Funny, not funny, ha ha, but funny, interesting.. how both my sister

 (who is 10 years older than me)  and I began painting at the same time with out either one of us knowing about the other.. over the years, we have found similar connections to likes and dislikes. She has been using oils, since her beginning and is quite an accomplished artist now.. winning awards. Her paintings have been valued at over eight thousand dollars.  I'm so proud of her! 

The best thing about all of this, is that we, sisters, get to spend time together painting. This is the first time in our lives that we have lived in the same town.  I'm so inspired by her zest for living.. it's contagious! 

I have someone to share Mom with.. and that is wonderful support not only from my sister but her husband. Together they are my support team that keeps me together..

Family.. makes my world go round.

I'm praying that the LORD will heal the hurts in my children so that they too, will be able to reap the benefits of family time and family support in living life!

I'm so thankful for my youngest daughter.. the granddaughters she has blessed me with. I enjoy every minute with them.. time does go too fast sometimes.. and those moments are over.

I'm learning to take it all in.. my surroundings, my blessings. God is Good!

Learning to oil paint!

Passing the time is always a challenge as a 24/7 caregiver.
I've been painting for over 3 years now. Just for fun.
Acrylic paint has always been my choice..   I've never used oils. My Sister, whom is an artist, encouraged me to give oil medium a try .. So I a made the switch a couple of weeks ago..

Here are my first attempts, lessons taught by my sister.
We have been having so much fun, having "Painting" in common. We share ideas, mixing colors and any thing else that has to do with painting.
We are looking forward to sitting outside, composing many paintings inspired by her beautiful garden flowers!

TRIP TO THE RANCH TO CLEAN

 I took a trip home, to clean up the cabin I was renting out. The renters left the place full of trash that took weeks to clean up. I'm glad that I had my daughter and son-in-law to help me. I couldn't have done it on my own. With no money, it's great to have family!

The renters had an old postal box unit thrown down on the dirt and some of the boxes had the doors pried open and thrown all over the field. I called the Sheriffs department to come and see if it was stolen. The Deputy that came out to the property, said he didn't get any kind of vibe off it.. looked like they had gotten it from a salvage lot. He didn't know why the doors were pried off though. kind of weird, he said. 

But the GREAT thing is, he ended up liking the cabin so much he wanted to rent it with his partner. Really nice guys. I'm so blessed to have gotten the clean up and a new renter in the amount of time that I had.

My Mom stayed with my sister and her family. She did well and I know it was a long trip.. but at least it's done and over.

I'm back, now.. exhausted.. but actually doing well. I didn't get a flare, which is amazing with all the physical parts of the clean up. The weather was awful, as you can see in the picture.. it even snowed! I had the normal pain, but no big deal. I think I have more pain this morning, my first night back than I did the whole trip. 

This bed isn't the most comfortable.. plus, the dogs and cats were really insecure and wanting to be right next to me.. they take up the whole space on the bed! Blankets too!

Lots of things to get done today... mail is piled high. At least I don't have to water the plants outside.. the rain has taken care of that.. Normal clean up inside.. and some clean up from the rain storms outside..

I miss my daughter and my granddaughters.. Abby, waking me up in the morning.. our time together, before everyone else wakes up. Isabelle is starting to coo and talk to you and it's so adorable.. her expressions of joy and wonder and all the new things in her world. 

The tough part of my life in LIMBO, is missing so many things.

My animals at the ranch, they miss me. My dogs would follow me everywhere. They never left my side. When I was leaving, they all tried to get in the truck. Annie, wouldn't get out of my cottage. Mama kitty gave me big hugs and kisses on my neck. I pray that the LORD will watch over them and bless them for  all the sacrifice they are making so that I can be here with my Mom..

My daughter especially.. lots of extra care of animals for her and she can't do it all.

I brought Norma Jean back with me.. she is chewing on her front legs so bad. She needs to have them clean and bandaged daily. I'm not sure how to get her to stop chewing them once they heal. I pray that the LORD will give me wisdom..

BREATH

I saw this quote online and it struck me, "my brain" works overtime. I wish I had a switch that I could just turn off all the thoughts that trail off from my original thought.

I think I need to post this quote all over my house to remind me to just let things go. Especially the OBSESS part.

I'm heading to the ranch this weekend. I have mixed feelings of pure joy at the thought of being with my daughter and granddaughters, but, stressing about the clean up.. and seeing the animals I left behind to come here with my mom.

It's wonderful to see them, don't get me wrong.. Just hard to leave them again. I miss them. I miss the ranch.

My Mom isn't going with me, she has decided to stay with my sister. I know, this is good for her. She only stays in her room and watches TV with me. With my sister, she has more involvement in life's daily chores that a family requires. She would have that at the ranch, but I don't think she wants to give in to her desire not to move from her home to relocate at the ranch. She might like it if she tries. Sometimes, I think she likes to be miserable! I really do. 

So, here's to following this advice. BREATH and know that everything will work out for the best!

I have to get the cabin cleaned up so it can be rented as soon as possible. I need the income to keep my animals fed and cared for. I pray for good tenants this time. 

Keeping the FAITH... until next time, see ya soon.

MIGRAINE

Migraine today..    UCK!    I hate them. It's never just a headache, but a full  blown migraine, with all the nausea, and light sensitivity that goes with the pain.
I have to get my Imitrex, nasal spray, in my system as soon as I can. Or, it doesn't work. I put an ice pack over the eye where my pain is, and go to sleep. I'm praying that in a few hours, I'll be back to normal!

Answered Prayer

When I thought I couldn't take it anymore, came answered prayer. Let me explain. Taking care of my mom has good days and bad. But the hardest part of this situation is being away from my youngest daughter who just gave birth to Isabelle Faith, 4 weeks ago. She, her husband, and the girls have all been sick with a really bad cold/flu. The baby has pneumonia and has been returning to the doctors office everyday for a shot of antibiotic. The 2 year old has an ear infection along with a really bad cough. My daughter is not only ill, but exhausted. Her husband is trying to work swing shift and be awake enough to help out when he too, has this awful bug. It's a time when a Grandma helps out. But this Grandma, is helping out somewhere else. I was really struggling with my feelings. Feeling resentful that I'm here and not there. Feeling guilty that I was needed and  not being there, letting my daughter down. I could rationalize, hey, all mom's have been in this situation and survived. We all grow up and have to deal with these kinds of things. It builds character. Makes us stronger. Makes us dig deep and develop true grit. All of which is true. 

So many thoughts were in my head.  By the way, I don't always have rational thoughts in my head. My brain kind of has a mind of it's own and sometimes, I wonder  where the heck that thought came from. I actually end up having a conversation with myself about what I'm thinking. Anyway this was an argument. My mind wondered way off subject and ended up dwelling on the fact that GOD must hate me because so many things have gone wrong in my life to bring me to this point. I have nothing, I have no job, I have no money. I have had so many bad things happen to me and my kids. WHY??? I had no answers, it's just life and it sucks. 

I started to feel sick and ended up getting this cold that everyone else had. Not as bad, but enough to make me realize that my distress, made matters worse. I was wallowing in it. 

I went on FB and got an invite to Church. I didn't give my brain time to respond or it would have talked me out of going. I jumped in the shower and dressed as quickly as I could. Got to Church 10 minutes early and was able to spend time with my Nice whom I haven't seen in years. 

When it came to the message, that's when I realized.. The LORD sent it to me. the title of the message was

How to get UNSTUCK.

The Pastor took us through reasons for being stuck. Circumstances being one of them. 

Than to remember GOD'S Faithfulness. He, GOD, always has a plan.

How to refocus, and fix our thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right and pure, and lovely and admirable.

and last 

to respond by obeying and trusting with all your heart and not to depend on your own understanding. (boy does GOD understand my crazy brain)

I need to stay the course, and in time, the LORD'S time.. I'll be unstuck.

Although things didn't end up the way I'd choose.. I realized that it's not my choice I seek, but the LORD'S choice for me, I choose.

I pray that the Holy Spirit will always help me to see life with open eyes and that I will always bend to God's will for my life.  

Thank YOU JESUS, for answered prayers.

Video calling

 Received my first video call last night. It was absolutely amazing!   I loved being able to see my granddaughter sleeping in the arms of her mother. 

They have all been sick. Very sick. Isabelle is only 3 weeks old. Too little to have pneumonia. She has to go to the Dr.'s every 24 hours, for a shot of antibiotics. My 2 year old granddaughter has an ear infection along with this bug. My daughter and son-in-law are both sick and coughing like crazy. 

I wish I could be there for them. It's driving me crazy to be so faraway from them.

I'm  looking forward to many more video calls! 

New GRADDAUGHTER,* Isabelle Faith*

Isabelle Faith

Born, January 15, 2012

The phone rang at 8:00 am, she said, "Mom, my water broke.. pack up and head out". My daughter lives 3 hours away. I was laying in bed trying to ward off a migraine with a cool rag over my eyes, wondering what and how I was going to manage this. I told my daughter I'd be on my way.

I jumped up, went to the kitchen and took my migraine medicine. YUCK, tastes awful! It's a nasal spray and I hate taking it. I went to my Mom's room and woke her up. 

I wandered around, not really doing anything.. trying to figure out where to start.

I have animals to pack for. Mom's cats are left behind, need food for them.

CAMERA, chargers, computer, meds, cloths, Christmas presents and the list went on and on.

Mom started to feel nauseous and nervous. I was really wondering how I was going to manage, driving, unpacking at the ranch, setting animals up to leave them for God knows how long and a sick Mom. She was packing her things, slowly.. but packing. I started to ask her if she wanted to stay with my sister when she said the same thing..

I had her call my sister to discuss the mater and they concluded that staying behind would be better for everyone.

With that decided, things were a little less stressful.

I was on the road to the ranch 2 hrs later..

My drive went well and I managed taking the short cut to the ranch over a dirt road that winds through the mountains to the ranch. I did get sick to my stomach and so did the dogs..

My son-in-law met me at the ranch and helped me unload my truck full of stuff. He helped me to get the animals fed and set up out in the cottage where they could be safe and I put doggie pads on the floor for them to use. Problem was no heat. I have a woodstove, but I wasn't going to start a fire just to have it go out in a few hours... I threw the dirty blankets that they got sick on, on the floor for them to snuggle in the best they could.

All done, we headed to the hospital where my daughter waited for us.

Eighteen hours later, Isabelle was born.

I'm so thankful that I was able to be there when she was born, migraine or not, I did it!

I stayed at the ranch for 2 weeks. Mom did fine with my sister, in fact, she did wonderful! 

Now I'm back, she is back in her routine, not eating, not drinking enough fluid, and watching TV 24/7.. The house is 90 degrees and I can't get her motivated to do anything.

I had to sleep with ear plugs last night her TV was so loud.. when I walked passed this morning to let the dogs out, I couldn't believe how loud it was in her room.. I couldn't stand it, I went and lowered it.

I feel so rejuvenated, recharged having spent time at the ranch with my daughter and 

granddaughters.. It broke my heart to leave them.

I'm looking forward to a visit soon!

I'm blessed in so many ways, GOD is AWESOME!

This break was what I needed to keep me from going insane. Now, I'm able to take a deep breath and do what the LORD has lead me to do, knowing that HE also will provide the means and encouragement that goes along with my mission. I give HIM the GLORY.. Thank YOU, JESUS!