We just never know

 This is one of my Mom's favorite cactus plants in her yard..  The color is incredible! 

This weekend, my mom's pulse rate dropped blow 40. She was in the kitchen when it happened and yelled out.. "I don't feel good!" I got her back to bed.  First check is her blood sugar. It was okay.. next her BP. The machine wasn't working. I was grabbing a bucket and trying to change the batteries at the same time. Finally got the machine working. I think what happened was her BP was too low for the machine to work. It worked on me.. than after a while, it worked on her. Her bp was 110/60  but her heart rate was only 40. I gave her nausea medicine and monitored her heart rate. Called my sister who is an RN.  My mom was hungry (good sign) so she ate toast and a bowl of my chicken soup. She slept most of the day and I continued to watch her close. 

I called her Doctor this morning and they said that they will let the doctor know. If she had breathing problems or the nausea lasted longer to take her to ER..   

So, now I wait. Wait to see what happens.

This is the hard part about this whole situation. 

My Mom is 85..  it always occurs to me that this might be it.

This might be the last moments. 

I feel so helpless..

 I know it's coming and there is not one thing I can do to prevent it.   I try to push thoughts out of my mind.. and take one step at a time. I've dealt with loss before.. my dad. 

But this, this is my mom.  

The woman who gave her whole life to her family. 

Over my life time, my heart has been broken.. chewed up and spit out! I don't know how much one heart can take.

I know life is full of those knee jerking moments, I'm not the only one and I know there is always someone who is worse off. 

I am thankful for having my Mom all the years I have.. it's just, not easy to let go.